1 00:00:02,260 --> 00:00:03,890 You know the old saying, 2 00:00:03,940 --> 00:00:06,010 "There's no time like the present"? 3 00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:10,890 Well, what better present to get yourself a share of than... what? 4 00:00:10,940 --> 00:00:12,570 ~ Paul? ~ Time? 5 00:00:12,620 --> 00:00:14,410 Time-share, exactly! 6 00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:15,770 You catch on quick, Paul. 7 00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:17,690 ~ You're a very lucky lady, Jan. ~ Jen. 8 00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:18,850 Whatever. 9 00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,850 Los Vanos Apartment Paradise, 10 00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:23,530 the single best property investment you can make, 11 00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:25,410 ~ no question. ~ I have question. 12 00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:26,690 Yes, of course. Mr...? 13 00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:28,250 No Mr - Sheikh. 14 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,650 Sheikh! 15 00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:31,450 Sheikh Ratt-el Enrol. 16 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,050 What if I take them all...? For whole year? 17 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,040 ~ Is possible, yes? ~ Oh! 18 00:00:36,580 --> 00:00:37,730 Sorry, Paul. 19 00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:40,050 You snooze, you don't win. 20 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:42,210 Now, you take a cheque? 21 00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:45,210 Ah, no cheques left, I spend so much money. 22 00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:50,090 Lamborghini, Lamborghini, jewels, Pizza Hut, Lamborghini. 23 00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:53,050 You take cash or jewels, Mr...? 24 00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:55,970 ~ Todd. ~ Ah, beautiful name. Mr Todd. 25 00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:58,850 I put you in contact with my contact who will put you in contact 26 00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:01,250 ~ with his contact, yes? ~ Well, of course, Sheikh. 27 00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,210 SCOTTISH ACCENT: No, laddie, no Sheikh. 28 00:01:03,260 --> 00:01:06,330 John J Johnson, regional vermin exterminator for the region 29 00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:07,850 and the surrounding regions. 30 00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:10,410 I just didn't want to embarrass you in front of Paul and Jane. 31 00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:12,890 ~ Sorry, vermin? ~ Aye, vermin. 32 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,250 You, sir, are up to your ears in earwigs, ticks, fleas, 33 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,810 parasites, pigeons, rats, mice, lice, voles, polecats, 34 00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:19,930 bed bugs and... did I mention cockroaches? 35 00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:22,290 ~ Sorry, who called you in? ~ And thank God they did. 36 00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:24,690 I'm putting you into shutdown, effective immediately. 37 00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:26,930 ~ You haven't got the authority. ~ No, but I have. 38 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:28,610 I want to speak to your superior. 39 00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:30,490 No need to thank me. You need to leave now. 40 00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:32,330 I'll stay on site for as long as it takes. 41 00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:33,730 Toss me the keys, laddie. 42 00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:35,810 If there's one thing cockroaches can't stand, 43 00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:37,930 it's the sound of a multispeed Jacuzzi. 44 00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:39,770 Now go. I'll call you in a week. 45 00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:44,370 ~ But you haven't got my number. ~ No, but I have. 46 00:01:44,420 --> 00:01:46,610 MUSIC: Stone Cold Sober by Paloma Faith 47 00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:48,330 I can be wilder than the wind 48 00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:50,570 119 miles an hour 49 00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:52,850 I'm in a whole other dimension 50 00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:55,170 Dancing doubles on the floor 51 00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:56,450 You think I'm crazy 52 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:57,730 A little bit hazy 53 00:01:57,780 --> 00:01:59,610 But I'm stone-cold 54 00:01:59,660 --> 00:02:01,930 I can be wilder than the wind 55 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:04,410 119 miles an hour 56 00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:06,490 I'm in a whole other dimension 57 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:08,730 Dancing doubles on the floor 58 00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:09,930 You think I'm crazy 59 00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:11,330 A little bit hazy 60 00:02:11,380 --> 00:02:12,570 But I'm stone 61 00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:14,220 Cold. 62 00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:18,240 SEAGULLS CALL 63 00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:21,850 Brutus, big news. 64 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,370 I've found somewhere else to stay. 65 00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:25,890 You can have your desolate fish shed nightmare thing back. 66 00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:28,250 Don't say you're talking about my beautiful beach hut. 67 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:31,170 That's what I said. Your beautiful, stinking beach hut apocalypse, 68 00:02:31,220 --> 00:02:33,610 travesty, dead-seagulls-on-the-bed nightmare thing. 69 00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:36,450 ~ Never become an estate agent! ~ I'm moving out. No need to thank me. 70 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:37,690 You don't have to say a thing. 71 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,410 ~ Zorro, Bloody Mary. ~ Thanks, B. Not too spicy. 72 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:43,650 It is not for you, you plum. Zorro, spicy. 73 00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:46,090 Spicy, no spicy, spicy, no spicy. 74 00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:48,570 It's like... I don't know, come on, man, forget about it. 75 00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:50,610 Sorry, Woods, no dinero, no drinko. 76 00:02:50,660 --> 00:02:52,050 Come on, B, I'm skint. 77 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,970 Maybe you could advance me a month's wages. 78 00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:55,250 You don't work for me. 79 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,210 ~ OK, a month of his wages. ~ Look... 80 00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,650 I'll help you out in the empty pocket department. 81 00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:00,930 I've got you a job. 82 00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:02,930 You're the best. No, wait, I forgot about me. 83 00:03:02,980 --> 00:03:04,250 You're the second best. 84 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:05,650 Do you want the job or don't ya? 85 00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,450 All you got to do is deliver an antique. 86 00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:09,610 I'm not interested. Who's it for, anyway? 87 00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:11,860 She's in the members' lounge. 88 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,490 Like I said, I'm interested. 89 00:03:15,540 --> 00:03:17,250 There's a surprise. Her name's Maria. 90 00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:18,370 That's not a surprise. 91 00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:20,490 It would've been a surprise if her name was Kevin. 92 00:03:20,540 --> 00:03:22,010 Will you turn it off for one minute? 93 00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,410 She's from a courier company. 94 00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:24,770 One of her guys has let her down, 95 00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:27,090 she's looking for someone to step in - short notice. 96 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:31,140 ~ She said she wants to hire someone who's a bit of muscle. ~ Mm... 97 00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,970 Yeah, that'll do it. 98 00:03:40,940 --> 00:03:42,530 ITALIAN ACCENT: Hello, lady. 99 00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:45,370 My friend, he say you looking the man with the muscle. 100 00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:47,250 Yes, I am. Do you know someone? 101 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:48,370 Ah! 102 00:03:48,420 --> 00:03:49,650 He's me. 103 00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:50,770 Really? 104 00:03:50,820 --> 00:03:53,130 I'm a wise-a guy. I'm-a from Sicily. 105 00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:54,610 My family, they're... 106 00:03:54,660 --> 00:03:56,250 HE BEGINS TO CHOKE 107 00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:57,860 They are... 108 00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:00,890 Sorry, could you just...? 109 00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:04,010 TOOTHPICK RATTLES ON TABLE 110 00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:05,170 HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH 111 00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:06,970 ~ I'm Maria. ~ Woody. 112 00:04:07,020 --> 00:04:09,090 Not very Sicilian. 113 00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:10,810 Is-a short-a for Gino. 114 00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:13,130 Really? Which part of Sicily are you from? 115 00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,930 Little village, you wouldn't know it. 116 00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:16,130 Try me. 117 00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:17,650 Ginelli. 118 00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:20,010 You're Gino from Ginelli? 119 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,450 Si... 120 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:24,250 My great grandfather, he invented the ice cream. 121 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,970 But enough about him. Let's talk about me. 122 00:04:27,020 --> 00:04:29,130 I am here, I am the muscle 123 00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:30,890 and I can-a do-a your job. 124 00:04:30,940 --> 00:04:33,130 OK, Gino, the job's yours. 125 00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:34,610 Magnifico. 126 00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:37,770 I need you to deliver an antique to one of the islands. 127 00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,450 Here are tickets for the ferry. 128 00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:40,930 You'll be met at the port. 129 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:42,690 Come straight back on the return trip. 130 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:44,050 And then, of course... 131 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,290 the dinner. 132 00:04:45,340 --> 00:04:47,290 Why not, you can come to mine. 133 00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:50,530 I know a lovely recipe for toothpicks. 134 00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:52,100 DEEP LAUGH 135 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,530 You're like-a me. 136 00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,330 A bella with a sense of humour. 137 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,850 Except I am not a bella, 138 00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,410 I am a fella. 139 00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:01,210 One hell of a fella. 140 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:04,200 Can you not feel something passing between us? 141 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,290 ~ A urn? ~ Yes. 142 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:10,170 Please have a bit of respect. 143 00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:12,610 Don't worry. Is-a safe-a with me. 144 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,370 In Sicily, we have a saying. 145 00:05:14,420 --> 00:05:16,650 "You earn the respect 146 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:19,040 "or you learn you earn a turn... 147 00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,570 ".. in the urn." 148 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,050 It sounds better in Italian. 149 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:28,050 This job's important to me, Gino. Don't muck it up. 150 00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:29,890 You can rely on me. 151 00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:32,570 As-a my great-a grandfather once said, 152 00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:34,370 "One scoop or two?" 153 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:35,930 He's not really Vantia, 154 00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:37,980 but he was a wise-a man. 155 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,290 Zorro, where's my Bloody Mary? 156 00:05:43,340 --> 00:05:46,010 Just looking for some celery. 157 00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:48,130 And where are my sausages? Lorenza? 158 00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:49,570 GRUFFLY: Si! 159 00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:51,050 Blimey, how do you do that? 160 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,900 Lorenza, have you cook-ed my sausages? 161 00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:57,770 SHE CACKLES 162 00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:02,090 She says they be ready in five minutes. 163 00:06:02,140 --> 00:06:05,250 Another close call for Employee Of The Month(!) 164 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,500 But I think we have a winner. 165 00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:11,210 Yum, yum. 166 00:06:11,260 --> 00:06:12,490 All right, Bev? Usual? 167 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,090 Yes, please, Brutus. 168 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,530 Brutus. 169 00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:17,090 SCREAMING: Brutus! 170 00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:18,850 No, no, Brutus is dead. 171 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,010 I'm his cousin... of someone else. 172 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:22,610 You monster! 173 00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:24,850 Beverly, calm down, let me explain! 174 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,770 'Let me explain. 175 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,970 'This is my ex-wife, Beverly. 176 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:32,330 'Long story short, we got divorced, I faked my own death, 177 00:06:32,380 --> 00:06:35,370 'ran off with her dough and started a new life out here. 178 00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:38,460 'I'd tell you more, but I'm a bit busy with a customer right now.' 179 00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:42,130 You little snake! 180 00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,210 I knew you were too vain to top yourself. 181 00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:46,530 ~ I'm going to kill you. ~ I can explain. ~ OK. 182 00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:48,490 ~ What? ~ Go on, then! 183 00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:51,090 Ah, weren't expecting you to let me. I can't really explain. 184 00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:52,930 No, I'm just lucky that I never loved you. 185 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:56,370 It's going to make it all the sweeter when I take you for everything you've got. 186 00:06:56,420 --> 00:06:59,250 Listen, Beverly, whatever we were or whatever we weren't, 187 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,650 we were definitely in love. 188 00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,370 Yes, it was intense. 189 00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:04,570 Yes, it was torrid. 190 00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:07,010 It was argumentative. YOU were argumentative. 191 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,410 You were argumentative. 192 00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:10,610 YOU were argumentative. It was torrid. 193 00:07:10,660 --> 00:07:11,690 You said that already. 194 00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:14,690 Yes, cos it weren't half torrid, I still can't straighten me left knee. 195 00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:17,010 Well, that was your fault for not warming up properly. 196 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:18,530 It's no-one's fault, 197 00:07:18,580 --> 00:07:21,570 whatever went wrong or whatever happened between us. 198 00:07:21,620 --> 00:07:23,340 It was love. 199 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,890 ~ You finished? ~ Mm-hm. 200 00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:29,290 I'm still having the bar. 201 00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:32,490 I was hoping you'd forgot about that when I was doing my bit about the love. 202 00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:33,850 I'm going to call my lawyer, 203 00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:35,970 THEN I am coming back for the keys. 204 00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,530 Ooooh! 205 00:07:37,580 --> 00:07:39,010 Bar Beverly! 206 00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:41,050 No, I've got it... 207 00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,330 Bar... 208 00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:43,780 FOR SALE! 209 00:07:45,980 --> 00:07:49,780 It's times like these I wish I'd taken the coward's way out... 210 00:07:50,060 --> 00:07:52,260 .. and stayed married to ya. 211 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,100 It's my ex-wife. 212 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:05,050 'Out on the open sea. 213 00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:08,610 'It's days like these I realise I've got the best job in the world. 214 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:11,170 'There really is no better place on the planet 215 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:13,360 'to be an urn delivery man. 216 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,490 'There's always one idiot who spoils it. 217 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:18,810 'To be fair, it's usually me.' 218 00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:24,730 Hey! 219 00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:26,010 What do the police want? 220 00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:28,410 They said they have information that someone on the boat 221 00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:30,730 ~ is smuggling drugs. ~ Oh, right. 222 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:33,840 HE GULPS 223 00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:54,530 Disculpe, senor. 224 00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:57,170 Oh, thank goodness you're here, officers. They went that way. 225 00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:58,890 ~ Who did? ~ You know, the men. 226 00:08:58,940 --> 00:08:59,970 Men? 227 00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:02,690 The nasty men. They tried to give drugs to my baby. 228 00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:05,170 ~ Which way did they go? ~ They went that way. 229 00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:06,690 No wait, that way. 230 00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:09,610 Right to the other end of the boat. My baby! 231 00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:12,410 Hold your breath, Junior. 232 00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:15,250 MUSIC: How You Like Me Now? by The Heavy 233 00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,240 How you like me now? 234 00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:19,720 How you like me now? 235 00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:22,160 How you like me now? 236 00:09:22,260 --> 00:09:25,100 How you like me now? 237 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,460 Yeah! 238 00:09:29,740 --> 00:09:31,210 Oh, yeah! 239 00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:34,740 Oh, yeah, I said 240 00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:37,570 Oh, yeah! 241 00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:39,970 Hey! 242 00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:41,490 Oh, yeah! 243 00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:43,900 Oh, yeah! 244 00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:50,610 So how'd it go? 245 00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:51,690 Fine. 246 00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:53,810 Right up until the point I had to jump off the ferry 247 00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,730 to be rescued by a hen party on a giant banana. 248 00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:58,090 ~ Sounds pretty good. ~ Yeah, it was pretty good. 249 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:01,250 You look like you could do with a Jaeger-tini. Dive in. 250 00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,810 Here you go, my son. 251 00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:04,450 Get your laughing gear around that. 252 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:05,890 Not for breakfast, thanks. 253 00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:08,250 Oh, well. Your loss. So what happened? 254 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,810 Mrs Priceless Antique sent me out to sea 255 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,340 with this. 256 00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:19,130 Wow! This is GOOD stuff. 257 00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:20,930 None of that Spanish rubbish. 258 00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:22,250 What are you doing? 259 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:23,770 It's talcum powder. 260 00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,690 No Yardley Gentleman, but it does the job. 261 00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:27,330 Hang on, what's going on? 262 00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:29,290 I ask myself that every ten minutes. 263 00:10:29,340 --> 00:10:31,770 She must've been using me to test a possible drug route. 264 00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:33,010 ~ Clever. ~ Pretty, too. 265 00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:34,930 ~ I actually meant you, Woody. ~ So did I. 266 00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:36,970 Come on, B, we need to track her down. 267 00:10:37,020 --> 00:10:38,610 Sorry, son. No can do. 268 00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:40,450 Got me own trouble and strife to deal with. 269 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,170 My ex-missus has just found me. 270 00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:44,450 I didn't know you got married or divorced. 271 00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,530 Congratulations and congratulations. 272 00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:47,850 Met her after I left the paper. 273 00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:50,490 When we got divorced, she tried to take me for everything I got. 274 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:51,690 So you got a good lawyer. 275 00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:53,690 ~ So I faked my own death. ~ That was my next guess. 276 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,890 I left a suicide note, done a bunk over here. 277 00:10:55,940 --> 00:10:57,930 Of course, what could possibly go wrong? 278 00:10:57,980 --> 00:11:00,530 ~ She walked into the bar a couple of hours ago. ~ Apart from that. 279 00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:03,050 She's going to take me for everything I have got. 280 00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,250 Relax! 281 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,570 ~ It's obvious what you need to do. ~ What? 282 00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:07,970 You need to fake your own death. 283 00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,650 Hello, have you been listening? 284 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,810 You need to do it again, but this time, you need to do it properly. 285 00:11:12,860 --> 00:11:15,980 She needs to see you drop dead right in front of her. 286 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,130 She would love that. 287 00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:26,450 'While Brutus devised his demise, 288 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,490 'I had to solve a problem like Maria. 289 00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:30,370 'My only link to her was an urn, 290 00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:32,770 'so I planned to visit the local funeral home. 291 00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,450 'But first I thought I could do with some help.' 292 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:36,970 No, of course not. 293 00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,250 Come on, Melody. One grifter to another? 294 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,090 One grifter to a former grifter, 295 00:11:41,140 --> 00:11:43,330 now wife of a disgraced billionaire septuagenarian 296 00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:44,930 with an annoyingly innate ability 297 00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,730 to not let on where his money's stashed. 298 00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:48,130 Like it, much snappier. 299 00:11:48,180 --> 00:11:50,490 There is nothing in this whole world that you could say 300 00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:52,050 that's going to make me get off 301 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:55,130 ~ this overly cushioned luxury sofa on this 120-foot super yacht. ~ OK. 302 00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:56,920 You asked for it. 303 00:11:57,660 --> 00:11:59,610 You spend every day of your life sitting here, 304 00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:02,210 playing the long game, hoping your pension-poacher husband 305 00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:05,250 might finally let slip where he's hiding all his dirty, filthy money. 306 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,770 And it's driving you crazy. 307 00:12:06,820 --> 00:12:09,370 What you need is a distraction. A plaything. 308 00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:11,850 Something to waste a bit of time. And guess what? 309 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:14,050 I'm that distraction. I'm that plaything. 310 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:17,800 I'm that waste of time in your otherwise joyless existence. 311 00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:20,930 Well, that was surprisingly astute for an idiot. 312 00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:22,290 Thank you. And how dare you! 313 00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:23,770 So you're in? 314 00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:26,130 ~ I'm in. ~ Great. It's a date. 315 00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,570 It is not a date. 316 00:12:27,620 --> 00:12:29,850 OK, so let's call it a not-date. But you're in? 317 00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:31,370 I'm in. 318 00:12:31,420 --> 00:12:33,220 Great. It's a date. 319 00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:44,530 First of all, can I offer my deepest condolences, Mr and Mrs...? 320 00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:46,970 HEAVY ACCENT: Tickler, Bud Tickler. 321 00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:49,330 And this is my beautiful wife. 322 00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:52,330 Nicola. Nicola Tickler. 323 00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:55,050 Well, can I say how sorry I am for your loss? 324 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,170 And how are you related to the deceased? 325 00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:58,450 He was our... 326 00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,210 ~ TOGETHER: .. daddy. ~ Grandpa. 327 00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:02,770 My daddy... my wife's grandpa. 328 00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:05,130 Our family tree looks like it was hit by a lorry. 329 00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,770 It's like we've lost two members of the family. 330 00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:09,370 Well, it is a difficult time, 331 00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:12,730 but rest assured that we're here to make things easier for you. 332 00:13:12,780 --> 00:13:14,890 We have some terrific coffins. 333 00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,250 Thank you. We appreciate it. Mr...? 334 00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:19,690 Spencer, but please call me Colin. 335 00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:22,290 You are the Spencer of Spencer and Spencer? 336 00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:25,410 Actually, I'm the "and Spencer" of Spencer and Spencer. 337 00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:28,170 My brother was the Spencer of Spencer and Spencer, 338 00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:30,530 but recently he passed away. 339 00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:32,250 Oh, I'm sorry for your loss. 340 00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:35,130 Oh, thank you. And I'm sorry for your loss. 341 00:13:35,180 --> 00:13:37,210 Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss. 342 00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:39,650 Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss. 343 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:42,330 ~ Thank you, and I'm sorry for... ~ Yes, we know. 344 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,970 So it must be difficult running a business on your own. 345 00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:47,370 Well, actually, my brother left his side of the business 346 00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:49,010 to his daughter. 347 00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:50,650 Oh, well, that must be a comfort. 348 00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:53,330 ~ Not so much. ~ I'd like to meet her. 349 00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:57,250 You know, if she's to be involved in Daddy Grandpa's funeral. 350 00:13:57,300 --> 00:14:00,250 Well... at some point, maybe... 351 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,850 but now let's talk coffins. 352 00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:04,490 Let's talk urns. 353 00:14:04,540 --> 00:14:06,650 Well, what we'd like to do here, Mr Tickler, 354 00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:08,650 is to talk through the coffin options first. 355 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,090 They really are lovely. 356 00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,170 And then move on to the urn options. 357 00:14:12,220 --> 00:14:13,730 Or... 358 00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,530 we could start with the urn options 359 00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,650 and then move on to the coffin options. 360 00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,440 OK, we'll do that. 361 00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:23,210 But let's just have a quick look at the coffin options. 362 00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:25,010 LOUD THUD 363 00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:27,400 Oh, my, that's a lot of options. 364 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,810 BECOMING EMOTIONAL: It's just too much. 365 00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:32,810 I just need a moment. HE SNIFFS 366 00:14:32,860 --> 00:14:34,410 Do carry on. 367 00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,660 Nicola knows his wishes. 368 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,900 WAILING: I love you, Daddy Grandpa! 369 00:14:43,620 --> 00:14:47,490 Have you thought about getting him some professional help? 370 00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:48,770 Yes. 371 00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:51,820 ~ So have you got anything in walnut? ~ Oh, have I! 372 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,490 Sh! 373 00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:12,140 Keep a lookout. 374 00:15:18,180 --> 00:15:19,820 Bingo. 375 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,890 You know what? 376 00:15:30,940 --> 00:15:32,090 I've missed this. 377 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,610 So... what now? 378 00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:36,130 Got it. We get drunk and go to the cinema. 379 00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:38,170 No, you're right, we'll do that tomorrow. 380 00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:40,970 For now, I wouldn't mind having a word with this niece of Colin's. 381 00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:43,570 All right, so we sit tight and wait for the niece to show. 382 00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:45,450 Stakeout, yay. 383 00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,650 Don was off getting his blood changed or something, 384 00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,290 so we got plenty of time. 385 00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:51,090 Time. What's the time? 386 00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:52,370 Why? 387 00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:54,770 I've got to get back to the bar to pronounce Brutus dead. 388 00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:57,130 ~ You what? ~ I'm late. 389 00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,380 You stay here. Stakeout, yay. 390 00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:03,500 You are kidding me. 391 00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:08,410 I'm here, I'm here. 392 00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:10,690 About time. Right, let's do this. 393 00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:13,610 Zorro, are you sure Lorenza knows the plan? 394 00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:15,810 HE WHISPERS IN SPANISH 395 00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:17,410 SHE GROWLS 396 00:16:17,460 --> 00:16:18,890 She understands. 397 00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:20,090 Right. 398 00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:22,540 Here's how it's going to go down. 399 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,240 'I'm meeting Beverly at Tipples. 400 00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:29,380 'I'll get her an apple martini... 401 00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:35,080 '.. soften her up with some stories of the good old days... 402 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,290 'Lorenza, you come strolling by with a nice, fat-looking handbag 403 00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:47,690 'under your arm like you ain't got a care in the world. 404 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,050 'Woody, you're disguised as a doctor on holiday. 405 00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:52,370 'Keep it simple, nothing fancy. 406 00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:59,290 'Zorro, you leap out of the bushes, grab Lorenza's handbag, 407 00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:02,340 'have a bit of a grapple, and that'll be my cue. 408 00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:06,260 'I'm going to play the hero and get stuck in with Zorro. 409 00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:11,050 'Your job, Zorro, is to lay me out. 410 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,730 'Don't worry, I can take a punch - 411 00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:14,720 'I was married to Bev. 412 00:17:18,980 --> 00:17:21,570 'I'll make out I'm having a coronary. 413 00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:23,450 'Then, Woodster, it's over to you. 414 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,850 'Your job is to pronounce me brown bread. 415 00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,010 'And don't forget your opening line.' 416 00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:29,490 Let me through, I'm a doctor. 417 00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:32,330 ~ Let me through, I'm a better doctor. ~ I've got this one. Stay with me. 418 00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:34,770 ~ I want you to take some slow breaths. ~ Stand aside! 419 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,650 My name is Dr Swami Wami and I am a doctor. 420 00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:37,770 I think we're losing him. 421 00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:39,250 Step aside, let him get some air. 422 00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,490 ~ He has no more need of air. ~ No, give him some air! 423 00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:43,690 You people, don't gawp at a man who's clearly dying. 424 00:17:43,740 --> 00:17:44,890 Are you sick in your heads? 425 00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:46,970 He's not dying. I've got a pulse. 426 00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:48,330 It's a little bit erratic. 427 00:17:48,380 --> 00:17:50,570 ~ He's not well, but he's going to make it. ~ Leave it! 428 00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:52,290 You've tried your best. He's dead. 429 00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:53,490 Don't blame yourself. 430 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,570 ~ He's fine. ~ Such a waste. 431 00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,410 He had two or three good months left in him. 432 00:17:57,460 --> 00:17:58,930 Curses. 433 00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:01,920 We'll get you to a hospital, don't you worry. 434 00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:05,300 Oh, my goodness! She's also having heart attack! 435 00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:08,380 Que...? Oh, oh, oh... 436 00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:12,570 ~ Medico, medico! ~ Other doctor, deal with her. 437 00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:14,210 Stay with him. 438 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,250 I shall keep him company on the journey 439 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,690 to the realm of his ancestors. 440 00:18:18,740 --> 00:18:20,580 Where does it hurt? 441 00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:30,210 He's carked it. 442 00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:32,020 CROWD GASPS 443 00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:37,560 'Then I had what can only be described as an idea. 444 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,450 'If we held a service for Brutus, 445 00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,410 'we could send him to the grave in front of his ex-wife, 446 00:18:43,460 --> 00:18:45,930 'and I could do some more digging at the funeral home. 447 00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:47,380 'Ya dig?' 448 00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:51,370 Thanks for coming back to help. 449 00:18:51,420 --> 00:18:52,890 Never duck out on a con. 450 00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:54,330 It's just, you know, after... 451 00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:55,850 You jilted me. 452 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,730 Not a problem, forget about it. 453 00:18:57,780 --> 00:19:00,370 I have. Forgotten about it. 454 00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:02,050 You jilting me. 455 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,840 Well, that's good. 456 00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:09,610 Oh, Brutus, 457 00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:11,730 my little butter biscuit! 458 00:19:12,540 --> 00:19:14,410 SHE SOBS THEN INHALES 459 00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:24,720 Oh, Bru, I'll always love you... 460 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,490 .. you git. 461 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:27,940 SHE SIGHS 462 00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:31,890 BRUTUS EXHALES LOUDLY 463 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,490 ~ Did you just hear something? ~ Yes! 464 00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:37,770 Apologies. 465 00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:39,850 Grief plays havoc with my lower intestines. 466 00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:41,610 Please, take your seat. 467 00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:43,800 It's what he'd have wanted. 468 00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:51,130 HE WAILS 469 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,650 (You OK, B?) 470 00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,620 I'm dying here. Keep a lookout for a sec. 471 00:19:58,420 --> 00:20:00,370 ~ MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES ~ Ooh! 472 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:01,970 You probably want to switch that off. 473 00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:04,810 You're having a laugh! Took me a month to learn how to switch it on. 474 00:20:04,860 --> 00:20:08,560 OK. Play dead for a few more minutes, I'm going for a snoop. 475 00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:12,050 Excuse me, I've been informed by Nicola Tickler 476 00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,570 that her husband, Bud Tickler, 477 00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,930 would like to say a few words 478 00:20:16,980 --> 00:20:19,050 about his deceased father. 479 00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:21,820 Oh! 480 00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:31,180 Thanks, Nicola. Thanks a bunch. 481 00:20:32,780 --> 00:20:33,970 To be honest, 482 00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:35,690 I didn't think for a second 483 00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:37,970 I'd be standing here in front of you all, 484 00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:40,980 talking about my... dead father Brutus. 485 00:20:42,220 --> 00:20:44,090 Now, some of you might be thinking, 486 00:20:44,140 --> 00:20:47,010 "I didn't know Brutus had a South African son." 487 00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:49,770 And up until recently, neither did he. 488 00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:53,120 You see, Brutus left my mother when I was just a baby. 489 00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,730 My mother went insane and married a rhinoceros. 490 00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:59,570 Over time, I learned to forgive Brutus, 491 00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:01,450 and in the few weeks I knew him, 492 00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,330 I learned he was a man with a big heart 493 00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:06,450 and an enormous liver. 494 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:10,530 Seriously, it would sort of push out the bottom of his ribcage, 495 00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:13,890 like a shoplifter stealing a frozen chicken. 496 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,050 And he had this weird smell. 497 00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,840 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 498 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,050 Excuse me, I have to take this. 499 00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:25,290 (What?) 500 00:21:25,340 --> 00:21:26,930 (I was kidding.) 501 00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,210 (Don't be like that.) 502 00:21:28,260 --> 00:21:29,730 (Honestly, you barely notice it.) 503 00:21:29,780 --> 00:21:32,970 (Especially when you do that thing when you suck your belly in. What?) 504 00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:34,370 (Good idea.) 505 00:21:34,420 --> 00:21:36,620 (OK. Bye... bye.) 506 00:21:38,060 --> 00:21:40,290 Another thing I learned... 507 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:41,690 Dad was skint. 508 00:21:41,740 --> 00:21:44,490 He died absolutely penniless. 509 00:21:44,540 --> 00:21:46,610 Because that beautiful... 510 00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:48,530 .. lumpy... 511 00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:50,610 stinking man in there 512 00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:53,610 gave everything he had to charity... 513 00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,940 including his bar. 514 00:22:03,820 --> 00:22:05,650 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm... 515 00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,370 a bit emotional. 516 00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:12,090 I do know that his last wish 517 00:22:12,140 --> 00:22:14,770 was that we all join together 518 00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:17,940 and sing the song that he thought best summed him up. 519 00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:21,410 HE SINGS: Come on, Eileen! 520 00:22:21,460 --> 00:22:22,530 Everybody! 521 00:22:22,580 --> 00:22:24,450 Oh, I swear what he means... 522 00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,570 THEY SLOWLY BEGIN TO SING 523 00:22:26,980 --> 00:22:29,520 Rap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap 524 00:22:30,660 --> 00:22:33,530 Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap 525 00:22:33,580 --> 00:22:35,780 Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap... 526 00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:41,730 Hello, lady. Fancy meeting you here. 527 00:22:41,780 --> 00:22:45,530 Well, if it isn't the incredible vanishing man(!) 528 00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:47,090 You seem to have lost the accent. 529 00:22:47,140 --> 00:22:49,650 It must've fallen out my pocket when I jumped off that ferry. 530 00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:51,770 Small talk, small talk, where's my money? 531 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,690 You didn't finish the job. Where's my urn? 532 00:22:53,740 --> 00:22:55,810 You mean the urn full of ashes that weren't ashes, 533 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:57,770 that were actually drugs that weren't drugs, 534 00:22:57,820 --> 00:22:59,810 but were actually talcum powder? That urn? 535 00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:01,850 ~ You talk too much. ~ It's a problem. 536 00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:03,690 I think it's caused by me talking too much. 537 00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:06,130 Oh, by the way, nice idea with the talcum powder. 538 00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:08,650 You knew there were cops on that ferry looking for drugs. 539 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:11,170 ~ No point wasting the good stuff on a set-up. ~ Close. 540 00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:14,770 I suspected they'd be there, but I didn't know... until now. 541 00:23:14,820 --> 00:23:16,570 You didn't tip them off? 542 00:23:16,620 --> 00:23:18,530 I'm not the rat in my family. 543 00:23:18,580 --> 00:23:20,530 Uncle Colin, of course. 544 00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:23,650 Trying to scare me onto the straight and narrow, bless him. 545 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,850 ~ You thought he'd set you up, so... ~ To be sure, 546 00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:28,170 I set you up with one of these. 547 00:23:28,620 --> 00:23:29,890 But you disappeared. 548 00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:32,570 Well, isn't it time you vanished again? 549 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:35,090 And this time, you can take Brutus with you. 550 00:23:35,140 --> 00:23:37,480 That all right with you, Brutus? 551 00:23:42,260 --> 00:23:44,000 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 552 00:23:49,460 --> 00:23:51,000 What the...? 553 00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:55,610 ~ Brutus, thank God! ~ Shut up, Woody! Listen to me. 554 00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:57,530 No, you shut up. You've got to help me. 555 00:23:57,580 --> 00:23:59,450 ~ No, shut up, Woody. ~ No, you shut up. 556 00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,250 ~ No, you shut up. ~ No, you shut up. 557 00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:03,570 ~ No, you shut up. ~ Right, let's both shut up. 558 00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:05,760 Better. Now, where are you? 559 00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:09,050 ~ Brutus? ~ Now, he wants me to talk! 560 00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:10,450 Where are you? 561 00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:12,850 I'm in a coffin, somewhere in the funeral parlour. 562 00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,930 Maria must've hit me. Where are you? 563 00:24:14,980 --> 00:24:17,010 ~ I'm in a coffin. ~ I know you're in a coffin. 564 00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:20,010 Get out of your coffin and come and get me out of this coffin. And hurry! 565 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:22,090 Don't you think I'd get out of my coffin, 566 00:24:22,140 --> 00:24:25,050 then come and get you out of your coffin if I could get out of my coffin? 567 00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:27,010 ~ What do you take me for? ~ COFFIN CREAKS 568 00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:28,650 Whoa, what was that? 569 00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:30,450 Someone moved my coffin. 570 00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,330 Brutus, get me out of here! 571 00:24:32,380 --> 00:24:34,810 ~ 'Please hold the line.' ~ Brutus. You there? 572 00:24:34,860 --> 00:24:38,060 'Please hold the line, please hold the line.' 573 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:40,650 Help! 574 00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,010 ~ COLIN: 'Who's there?' ~ I'm in this coffin. 575 00:24:43,060 --> 00:24:44,370 I can hear something. 576 00:24:44,420 --> 00:24:45,530 I can hear flames. 577 00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:48,130 ~ 'That'll be the furnace.' ~ What do you mean the furnace? 578 00:24:48,180 --> 00:24:49,490 Can you turn it off? 579 00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:51,090 'Yes, on the main console 580 00:24:51,140 --> 00:24:52,730 'to the left... 581 00:24:52,780 --> 00:24:54,610 'there's a red button - press it.' 582 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,410 I can't press it! I'm in a coffin. 583 00:24:56,460 --> 00:24:57,770 Help me. 584 00:24:57,820 --> 00:24:58,930 Where are you? 585 00:24:58,980 --> 00:25:00,330 I'm in a coffin. 586 00:25:00,380 --> 00:25:01,810 'Ahh!' 587 00:25:01,860 --> 00:25:05,160 I can't be sure, but I think it's the chestnut deluxe. 588 00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:06,570 Woody? Sorry about that. 589 00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:08,050 Brutus, thank God. 590 00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:09,890 ~ Who designs these phones? ~ Not now. 591 00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:12,090 ~ I've just put you on hold with me cheek. ~ Not now! 592 00:25:12,140 --> 00:25:13,610 I can feel the heat. 593 00:25:13,660 --> 00:25:15,010 For God's sake get me out of here. 594 00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:16,170 Woody, is that you? 595 00:25:16,220 --> 00:25:18,690 Melody, thank God! Get me out of this coffin. 596 00:25:18,740 --> 00:25:19,930 Oh, is that the time? 597 00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:22,050 I've got to go. Furnace, yay! 598 00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:23,290 Melody. 599 00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:25,250 Melody! 600 00:25:25,300 --> 00:25:26,770 WOOD CREAKS 601 00:25:27,740 --> 00:25:30,410 Hope you don't mind, I brought a friend to your barbecue. 602 00:25:30,460 --> 00:25:32,730 I had the situation perfectly under control. 603 00:25:32,780 --> 00:25:35,320 ~ Uh, thank you? ~ No need to thank me. 604 00:25:37,580 --> 00:25:38,980 Thank you! 605 00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:41,610 Better. 606 00:25:41,660 --> 00:25:44,060 ~ What about Maria? ~ Taken care of. 607 00:25:47,340 --> 00:25:50,340 I think I've put it on silent now, can you help? 608 00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:52,770 Ruined! 609 00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,690 The chestnut deluxe! 610 00:25:55,740 --> 00:25:57,340 Three coffins. 611 00:25:58,260 --> 00:26:00,290 I'll have to burn them. 612 00:26:00,340 --> 00:26:02,340 Mind if I get out first? 613 00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:10,290 Nice pad, what'd it set you back? 614 00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:12,050 It's... complicated. 615 00:26:12,100 --> 00:26:13,810 I don't doubt it. How's your bonce? 616 00:26:13,860 --> 00:26:15,890 I feel a bit like how you must feel every morning. 617 00:26:15,940 --> 00:26:18,810 Rule number one, never turn your back on a woman holding her urn! 618 00:26:18,860 --> 00:26:22,090 Relationship advice coming from you, that's rich. 619 00:26:22,140 --> 00:26:24,410 ~ So your wife thinks you're dead again? ~ Yeah, I reckon. 620 00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:27,010 Got to lay low for a couple of weeks till she's back in Blighty. 621 00:26:27,060 --> 00:26:28,450 DOORBELL RINGS 622 00:26:28,500 --> 00:26:30,640 ~ You expecting someone? ~ Mm. 623 00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:34,810 ~ Ted! ~ Todd. 624 00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:35,890 Whatever. 625 00:26:35,940 --> 00:26:38,130 I'm glad you're here. You need to leave immediately. 626 00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:40,570 ~ We're about to fumigate. ~ Yeah, I've had you checked out. 627 00:26:40,620 --> 00:26:43,090 You're not a vermin exterminator. I've called the police. 628 00:26:43,140 --> 00:26:45,680 Bad move, laddie. You better come in. 629 00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:48,930 I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. 630 00:26:48,980 --> 00:26:52,680 What I'm about to tell you gives you level three clearance. 631 00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:54,570 Allow me to introduce myself. 632 00:26:54,620 --> 00:26:56,370 My name is Agent Peter Smiley 633 00:26:56,420 --> 00:26:58,770 and this is my colleague, Special Agent... 634 00:26:58,820 --> 00:27:00,760 Walker. Johnny Walker. 635 00:27:01,660 --> 00:27:04,980 We're deep undercover on direct orders of Queen Elizabeth herself. 636 00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:08,170 Her Majesty was recently the victim of a robbery, 637 00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:10,010 and we believe the stolen goods 638 00:27:10,060 --> 00:27:11,850 have found their way here. 639 00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:14,330 ~ Blimey! ~ Blimey ain't the half of it. 640 00:27:14,380 --> 00:27:16,850 I suggest you get on to your police friends ASAP 641 00:27:16,900 --> 00:27:18,690 and tell them it's a false alarm. 642 00:27:18,740 --> 00:27:21,010 Unless, of course, you want the Queen on your back. 643 00:27:21,060 --> 00:27:22,170 You don't. 644 00:27:22,220 --> 00:27:23,770 She's surprisingly heavy. 645 00:27:23,820 --> 00:27:25,410 ~ But... ~ Then you come back here 646 00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,530 and we will discuss full reimbursement. 647 00:27:27,580 --> 00:27:29,290 Maybe even a knighthood. 648 00:27:29,340 --> 00:27:32,210 Chop, chop, Todd. Or should I say... Sir Todd? 649 00:27:32,260 --> 00:27:35,130 What should I tell head office, because...? 650 00:27:35,460 --> 00:27:36,890 ~ We need to get out of here. ~ Ha! 651 00:27:36,940 --> 00:27:40,370 Don't tell me, you'll be wanting to stay in my fish shed nightmare thing again. 652 00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:42,210 All right, I won't, but I do, 653 00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:43,610 so I guess I just did. 654 00:27:43,660 --> 00:27:45,570 Say, "Please." 655 00:27:45,620 --> 00:27:47,410 Please. 656 00:27:47,460 --> 00:27:49,170 One last spin in the Jacuzzi? 657 00:27:49,220 --> 00:27:51,290 I thought you'd never ask! 658 00:27:53,940 --> 00:27:55,740 I love this place! 659 00:27:57,540 --> 00:27:59,650 I love the hypnotists' convention, 660 00:27:59,700 --> 00:28:01,530 it is my favourite time of the year. 661 00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:03,290 Relax. You've got the wrong man. 662 00:28:03,340 --> 00:28:04,690 Please leave me alone. 663 00:28:04,740 --> 00:28:06,810 You, sir, sleep. You, madame, wake up. 664 00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:08,130 The show has started! 665 00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:10,570 You won't get away with this, you lowlife scum! 666 00:28:10,620 --> 00:28:12,570 I'm coming back and I'm going to shoot you dead! 667 00:28:12,620 --> 00:28:14,610 ~ You've got a problem. ~ Oh, I've got a problem! 668 00:28:14,660 --> 00:28:16,490 ~ I've got a problem. ~ He's got a problem. 669 00:28:16,540 --> 00:28:18,810 ~ You do have a problem. ~ Argh! It's Donald. 670 00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:20,410 I want the loo and I need a hand. 671 00:28:20,460 --> 00:28:22,330 MUSIC: Why Did You Do It? by Stretch 672 00:28:22,380 --> 00:28:25,330 I've been thinking 'bout what you have done to me 673 00:28:25,380 --> 00:28:30,370 Damage is much deeper than you'll ever see 674 00:28:30,420 --> 00:28:35,090 Hit me like a hammer to my head 675 00:28:35,140 --> 00:28:39,500 I wonder, were you pushed or were you led? 676 00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:42,530 Why did you do it? 677 00:28:42,820 --> 00:28:45,820 Why did you do that thing to me? 678 00:28:45,870 --> 00:28:50,420 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0